Have you ever felt such intense emotion that you could feel your blood vessels pounding in your ears, or your chest tighten from the inside out? How about literally feeling your heart beat so fast that you didn’t know what it was doing? When you finally take deep breaths and start to un-tighten, every muscle begins to ache from being unconsciously squeezed. It hurts to the bone. This kind of emotion hurts the body and the soul. What emotion would we label this? The physical orchestration of feeling helpless, combined with a type of grief and rage where an internal frantic feeling takes over.
Put aside the mood swings of adolescence; the angst of not knowing what to do with your life after being laid off; the shock of entertaining deep loss; the intense ache of the love of a caregiver; confusion of midlife crisis; and the personal summers of menopause. Those are only the innocuous feeling states when you add in the darkest spaces imaginable, one would come close to imagining an episode of feeling out of control.
It is exhausting and very difficult to survive. I suppose feeling out of control encompasses the mind, body connection to a degree that it plays such havoc that one’s body does not understand connectedness any longer.
Now this is a problem.
Grief, worry, sorrow, fear, and pain don’t touch the concept. Truly on every cellular level you shake. Coming back to a feeling of connectedness; then capacity to fully breathe, then sanity, which leads to a sense of calm. After residing in calm and releasing everything, all the negative energy that can fill the space of a body, eventually leads to peace. From this sense of peace, you can regain the mind-body connection again.
So I figure, the sense of being out of control must look and feel like losing one’s mind, body and soul connection. When all three are shaken, you are shattered. When you lose one of these senses, it causes stress. When you lose two of these senses, you feel ill. However, when you lose all three there is no capacity to self-regulate anything. I would guess this feels like insanity. No wonder our immune systems can be so fragile. It is shocking that when one feels out of control our bodies don’t just implode. Maybe they do. That might be the feeling I am looking for: “implosion.” I think that definition should make it to Wikipedia.
Whether healing from implosion or walking back to a feeling of well-being and control, one must start with forgiveness and kindness to oneself. Followed with self-compassion and love. A true respect for surviving implosion. Try being proud of yourself. You have just lost your mind and found it again. That would give anyone a headache and lead to disorientation. For now, let’s celebrate the fact that you still exist. And fully appreciate the courage it takes to survive the feeling of being out of control.
Recovering takes resilience and patience. It is a process, not an event. Appreciate your fortitude. Do not get impatient; this only causes setbacks. Notice every flower, every rainbow, experience every breath fully, and love love love yourself and the life you are coming back to. For those of you who are recovering from a year of being out of control, what an amazing new years gift!